Can I really stay Team Green?

From the beginning of this pregnancy, I have want to stay "Green" and not find out the sex of the baby. At first I thought there would only be one problem with this: my husband. But now I am starting to realize there is a second problem: the control freak in me.

On Saturday I was shopping at AC Moore for some yarn. I'm making my niece a baby blanket and I also need to start making Daisy (our miniature dachshund) some sweaters for the fall. As I'm standing in the yarn aisle, it hit me that without knowing what the baby is, I'm going to have a hard time making blankets and hats for him or her. Everything else - outfits, onsies, and anything else that would/should be gender specific - can wait until after the baby is born. But there is no way that between diaper changes, nursing, and chasing Emily and Conner that I will be able to crochet baby blankets or hats!! One of the things I really loved with Emily is that I had several blankets and hats crocheted for her arrival. Even though she has outgrown the hats, she still sleeps with the blankets, and I love that her blankie is something I made :) And sure, I could make a ton of green or yellow blankets, but really, it's not the same!

BUT.... I have never had that moment where I go into labor and rush around calling everyone to say the baby is on its way. Chances are, I won't have that this time around since my doctor believes in inductions. Since the baby's name is all but decided, I thought having the gender as the surprise would be fun!

So here I am. The big ultrasound is in six days, 15 hours. So I guess I still have time to decide! I guess I could always be devious and find out and not tell anyone........

Glutton for punishment?

It can be said that we women are gluttons for punishment. Our beauty regimes alone can be physically painful - plucking/waxing eyebrows, shaving legs and underarms, straightening or curling our hair (and inevitably burning ourselves!)... the list goes on, and as I sit here in my 4 inch heels that will inevitably cause my sciatica to act up later on in the afternoon, I am reminded of how foolish this is!

But I think to a certain extent, we are also gluttons for emotional punishment too. We choose men who we know will hurt us, we keep toxic friends close to us, we get wrapped up in drama that we really want no part of but allow ourselves to be sucked in anyway. Personally, I have done all three of these things - I gave my heart to someone who didn't want it, I have hung on to many a toxic friendship thinking that the person will change, and there have been times where drama was my middle name.

I like to think that I am a pretty strong woman. I am confident and bold, and successful at what I do. But I am also very forgiving. This forgiving nature of mine often gets me hurt because sometimes the people I forgive and let back into my life and heart abuse the trust I put in them. As I get older, I am learning how to forgive and not forget, but it's difficult to balance this without hardening my heart.

But this trait isn't just unique to me - I see it every day in women I meet everywhere. Men, on the other hand, seem to be less ready to put themselves through emotional pain for the benefit of another person (or even the benefit of themselves). I wonder what makes us have this quality - if it is an affect of our gender or societal norms that expect us to be door mats.

Nevertheless, I find myself opening the doors to punishment once again. This fall I will hopefully be enrolling in the University of Maryland to complete my Bachelor's degree. This in its self isn't such a big deal, but add to it the fact that I also hold a leadership position in the RCIA team at church and will be teaching on both Sunday mornings and Monday nights, in addition to continuing to work full time and juggling family life, even I see that I am opening myself up for a great deal of punishment! I justify it to myself by saying that it will be worth it in the end. I know it will be hard work, but I know I can persevere and get it done.

I guess I really am just a glutton for punishment!

Junk, junk, and more junk!!

Saturday I am participating in a yard sale at my work, so over the last few weeks I have been eye-balling things and trying to decide what I want to get rid of. The more I look, the more I find! I am astonished by the amount of stuff we have in our house, a lot of it being extra furniture (some of which isn't ours, but I guess since it has been left in our house for over a year and there is no intention of the owners/abandoners collecting it, it's fair game to be sold!).

So all this junk got me to thinking: why are people so big on possessions? To so many people, our possessions define us. We collect knick-knacks and things because they remind us of our favorite things - sports, animals, places, etc. We put them up on nice little shelves and forget about them until we are showing some on around our place and can say "Oh, this is my collection of dog figurines because you know I just love dogs". Often times these things become so treasured that we just can't bear to part with them. But at the end of the day, aren't they just dust collectors?

Now don't get me wrong, after this yard sale you will not walk into my house and see nothing but pristine, empty shelves; minimalism is not my thing! But I am hoping to let go of a lot of stuff, and I hope that my stuff will make someone else very happy!

Ah, rain!

I love the rain. There is something calming and peaceful about it - the sound on the roof or on the window, the coolness it brings, the fresh smell.... No matter what, whenever it rains I feel a sense of calm and peace. Now, I'm not a fan at all of thunderstorms (especially ones that bring the type of hail that damaged my truck a few weeks back :-\), I like the type of soaking rain that soaks you to your core.

I guess it really comes from three years spent in Manchester. I have a lot of memories of walking home from work in the rain. Even though I walked through the heart of the city centre to get from my work to my halls of residence, I always felt like I was on my own. No one bugs each other when its raining. Its like this silent march, everyone getting to their destination as fast as possible without detouring. My usual route home took me through Canal Street. Most of the time, the scent of stale alcohol with a hint of vomit hung in the air, but when it rained, it was clean and fresh. I loved walking this way in the rain, even though the wet cobbles were even more difficult to navigate. Of course when I arrived home I would always be soaked! But nothing a cup of tea and a fag couldn't sort out.

I think the reason why I love the rain so much is because it reminds me of this time in my life where I found it very easy to run away from my problems. It wasn't an easy time in my life by any means, but I had the support of some wonderful friends who helped to prop me up. And I loved the solitude that I had, the ability to be alone in the city with swarms of people around constantly. It was a very different life than the one I have now. Even though I love being a wife and a mother, there are times when I look back and wonder why I ever left. Obviously God had other plans for me, but I will always look at the rain and smile.

Bills, bills, bills....

Life is changing for us. The kids are growing up way to fast, and life continues to move at a pace that is both exciting and nerve-racking at the same time. Everything feels so cluttered and I feel like I am beginning to be overwhelmed by the clutter in my life. Not just the physical clutter (and don't get me wrong, my house really does not look like an episode of "Hoarders" at all!!) but the emotional clutter too. One of the major things weighing on me right now is our debt situation.

In RCIA, we are always telling the candidates/catechumens about how sin is like voluntary slavery. At first, it feels great - you choose the sin over the truth because it makes you momentarily happy and satisfied. But the happiness is fleeting and what you are left with is emptiness and guilt. Well, the same thing can be said about spending money. It feels great to buy things and to go out to dinner and to wear new clothes. But eventually the new things become old, the dinner is a distant memory, the clothes are old and worn, and I am left with a bill. But worst of all, sin is forgiven. Bills are not!

So I am slowly trying to break us of the bonds of our debt. I have had many "wake up calls" in the past, but they are usually short lived and I go back to my bad habits. Now we have something to work towards, a serious goal. I know that we can do it if we work very hard.

The first step is to write a budget and stick to it (not something I'm good at!). Plus, next weekend, I am participating in a huge yard sale at work, and instead of putting the proceeds towards a new couch like I had wanted to do, we will be putting it towards debt. I am really looking forward to getting rid of both some clutter and some debt.

Right now, I feel like we are at a crossroads. My work situation will be changing in the next 8 months and this will force me to make some changes. I have to ask myself, do I really want to continue spending the majority of my day outside of the home and away from the kids and spending my weekends desperately trying to recharge my batteries? Or do I want to make some changes that will both be better for me and for my family? The first step in making this happen will be getting on top of our debt. I know it won't be easy, but it something I have to do.